Mish Mash

I think about writing here more often than I actually do. I’m not sure what to say. So, whatever. Here’s a list of things:

• My daughter had so much fun at daycare that she didn’t want to leave. She had an extensive temper tantrum that included me hurting my back. I hurt it again last night and again this morning. I have been taking ibuprofen and using ice. I feel old. *sigh*
• I have been doing well with the few things I’m working on for my eating disorder treatment. I have had a few slip-ups, but I guess that’s to be expected.
• I miss my friend who died earlier this year. I still think about her every day. I miss my grandpa too. His birthday would have been last week and he would have turned 93.
• I would like to get two more tattoos – one that has something to do with my daughter and the other as a memorial tattoo of some kind.
• My husband drank four days out of seven this past week. 😦 This increases his sleeping. He says he’ll go to see the daycare when we pick up our daughter today. We’ll see.
• I have been feeling overwhelmed a lot lately. Sometimes I think that people expect too much or ask too much of me. When I try to set limits, they are not always respected. I am not sure how to deal with this. Perhaps I will discuss it with my counselor on Friday. I haven’t been able to see him for a month!
• I will see the nutritionist and eating disorder counselor tomorrow. It will be my first visit to the nutritionist. I’m not really looking forward to it, but understand why it’s necessary.
• I would like to get rid of a lot of stuff that I own because I just have too much. It’s hard to make the time or have the energy to do so. However, doing so would make moving easier.
• I have been off my cancer medicine for awhile now (maybe a couple of months), but I still sweat like a pig if I even move a little bit. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing. I thought it might get better after awhile, but I guess my hormones are still adjusting. The reminders of cancer seem to be often. Even if it’s a passing thought, I probably think about it most every day and it has been 7 years since I was diagnosed. I guess it doesn’t help that my friend and grandpa just died from cancer either. I guess maybe it will just be another “unresolved” thing in my life. I’m not sure if I will ever feel completely at peace with all of it.
• I’m tired. A lot.

Missing Her

I don’t have a lot to say. It has been 7 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I should be happy that so much time has passed and I now have no evidence of disease, but instead I feel sad because I miss my friend who died recently from cancer. She was a huge support to me during my treatment.

I am exhausted.

Sometimes I feel really alone.

Traveling Triggers

I haven’t been around because I’ve been traveling. My mom and step-dad arrived late Thursday. We left early Friday. My step-aunt’s funeral was that day. It was a long day. I had to keep it together so I didn’t start sobbing. It’s not so much that I was close to her, but I am empathic plus I have not yet processed the recent deaths of my grandpa and good friend.

This morning, my step-dad told my daughter that she should “smile” because she’d “be prettier if she smiled.” This triggered me. I told him not to say that to my daughter. I think he was taken aback, but it’s a huge anti-feminist statement to tell females to smile. She wasn’t happy. In fact, she was the opposite of happy. Why the fuck should she smile? So she can be considered attractive by men? Do people say that to male children? No. She should be allowed to feel what she feels. She doesn’t have to be pretty for anyone or anything. I tried to have a conversation with my step-dad about it, but he didn’t really get it.

I miss being home and sleeping in my own bed. I have ended up sleeping on a floor one night and barely sleeping other nights because my daughter will only sleep with me (and not in another bed). Getting kicked, hit, and head-butted by a toddler when she’s awake and asleep is not really conducive of sleep.

I am feeling stressed, frustrated, tired, and anxious.

Tired and Stressed. What’s New?

Today has been extremely stressful. I am exhausted. I have to get up early to go out of town for the funeral. I didn’t get everything done that I needed to.

Things I have done in regards to treatment:

• Cut down to 3 Diet Cokes per day so far
• Added variety to breakfast
• Gotten protein with every meal

It seems odd that I went for binge eating disorder to discover that I am not eating enough during the day. I am hungry now, but too exhausted to do anything about it. Plus, I have family who just arrived and are sleeping on the pull out couch next to the kitchen.

I have looked at some day cares online and contacted them for prices because I have to figure out what to do since our babysitter quit.

I got quite a bit of grading done this evening which is good.

I wish I didn’t have to go to another funeral. I wish I could get some time to myself.

Unexpected Changes

Today started out as an okay day besides the fact that the babysitter cancelled the night before. My SO actually watched our daughter for a long time which is unusual. I appreciate it a lot!

I had my eating disorder appointment out of town. It was fine. I made an appointment to meet with the nutritionist next time along with the counselor because my food logs show that I do not eat enough during the day. I also don’t have enough variety in my diet, among other things. I made some small goals.

My step-aunt is not doing well. My mom and step-dad may not get here in time to see her before she passes away. 😦

Our babysitter who has been with us for almost a year and is also my daughter’s godmother quit via text message today. To say that it is inconvenient is a huge understatement. I am very sad and wish she would’ve just talked to me face to face. I do understand her reasons and they are valid reasons, but I think that she should have given at least some advance notice if possible. It’s not like she already has another job or anything like that. She has been a good support to me and my daughter. I feel sad for my daughter because her routine will change a lot now (even though I’m not sure how yet), but she really does love this person. 😦

I am feeling like nothing is very easy in life right now. I’d like for people to stop dying and my problems to just disappear. I guess everyone would like that.

Married Single Mother

How do I feel? I feel angry, sad, frustrated. What’s new?

First, the more serious news. After my friend dying and then my grandpa, I have now found out that my step-aunt is in hospice because she is dying of liver failure. She has had health problems for a long time, but she was in rehab and doing fine as far as we knew. My step-dad is in shock and trying to get to town as quickly as possible so he can see his sister while she is still coherent. (He lives in a far away state.) So much death. 😦

Next, we had couple’s counseling this week which is always delightful when you go with a spouse that doesn’t want to be there. Let me tell you. It’s like pulling teeth. Nonetheless, my SO agreed to getting up at 4 PM on Friday and Saturday to spend time with the family. (He normally works 3rd shift and he has been sleeping literally the entire weekend to avoid life.) So, tonight (Friday), his alarm went off at 4. I heard him shut it off. He eventually got up and took a shower. We were ready to leave the house by 5. We took our daughter to dinner which was fine, but the conversation was tense. We had some okay conversation, but then my SO started asking me how my mom was annoying me. (She’s making plans without asking me for her visit.) He kept making comments insinuating that I’m just like her and how awful it is, etc. *sigh* It just wasn’t pleasant. Plus, he barely interacts with our daughter. Help feed her? Talk to her? No. Why do that when I am there?

At any rate, after dinner, we went to a park nearby and played on the playground. Or, rather, *I* played with our daughter on the playground while SO sat on a bench closing his eyes now and again. Our daughter had fun and didn’t want to leave. She has learned to love swinging which she was scared of before. She threw a fit for all to hear (and see) when it was time to go. She was pretty upset and it was difficult for me to get her to the car and into her car seat. Did my SO help? Nope. He just stood there watching. Our daughter cried the entire way home and more when we got home. I told SO that I had to go to the bathroom and that I hoped he could watch our daughter. Apparently, smoking is more important than that. I was informed that he had had to go to the bathroom since we left the restaurant. (Why he wasn’t going at that moment is beyond me.) So, he went outside to smoke. So, I went to the bathroom with a crying toddler who was insisting I hold her. It is odd not to be able to go to the bathroom alone much anymore.

We had about 1/2 an hour before our daughter’s bedtime. We read and rocked and then got ready for bed. This consists of taking our daughter to her room. While I help her brush her teeth, SO goes into the other bathroom and goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, etc. I brush my teeth as I am able while helping our daughter. When we’re done, I change her diaper and put on her pajamas while he sits and watches. Does he help? No. He watches except for a handful of times. Once, I asked him if he could do the bedtime routine by himself because I needed to work. He said that he couldn’t possibly do that because “he wouldn’t know how.” Seriously. Anyhow, next, we read a book that our daughter picks out. By we, I mean, I read it to our daughter while he sits there. He pretty much refuses to read to her. If he does read to her ever, it’s in a completely monotone voice which she clearly does not enjoy. After reading, I tell her to give her dad hugs and she does. We hug and cuddle and I put her to bed. Sometimes SO will pick her up and put her in bed. Wow.

After this, we came into the bedroom. I had some paperwork to get done which took me about 15 minutes.  He fell asleep at 8 PM and has been sleeping ever since. No goodnight. No conversation.

This is my life – as a married but single mother. I wonder what he’ll begrudgingly watch us do tomorrow? Will I be acknowledged on Mother’s Day?

I feel so sad for my daughter. 😦 She deserves so much better. I am working on it, baby girl . . . ❤