Nostalgia and Reflections

I am listening to 90’s music on Pandora remembering what it felt like to be sixteen years old. When I was younger, I felt so misunderstood as a person. (I still do to some extent, but it was very pronounced then.) I promised myself that I would remember how I felt then so that when I had a child, I wouldn’t just dismiss it as being a “teenager thing.” I also remember feeling the most free ever from ages 16 – college years. Sometimes when I spend time with my daughter, I can taste some of those feelings of freedom again – of letting go and really not caring what anyone thinks about me and just being silly and having fun. I love her for bringing that out in me (and for a billion other reasons too).

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I have changed in many ways since having a child. My priorities have changed immensely. I am, in essence, a different person. In being this different person (or changed person), I find parts of myself lost. Some of them are parts that I don’t need anymore and should be gone. However, I also find myself relating to the feelings of being misunderstood at sixteen. Maybe no one really knows me. Maybe I don’t know myself anymore . . .

My relationship with my SO has drastically changed (negatively) since we had a child. I do not understand the things he says and feels about having a child in general and our child specifically. She is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, being a parent is the most damn difficult thing I have ever done in my life (even harder than cancer and sexual assault), in part, because I *want* to be a good mother. I care. It is also immensely rewarding.

I did not enjoy sitting up for hours while my daughter couldn’t sleep last night in an attempt to help her sleep. I don’t enjoy her temper tantrums. However, I do understand that these things are important for development and I do know that I want to be there for her in all of the ways that I can. She deserves someone being present with her and comforting her.

Some days, decisions seem so difficult. Today, briefly reflecting, it seems clear. My SO spent literally one and a half hours with me and/or our daughter yesterday (plus an extra hour sitting in her room before I did the first time). That means, he spent a total of 2.5 hours if you count sitting in our child’s room trying to get her to sleep. Would you be happy with this amount of time from your significant other? Should my daughter be happy? I suppose it could be okay if it was just once in awhile and it was quality time, but it is not. That time just basically means he was in the same room as me/her.

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As I will soon pick up my daughter, I wonder how much time my SO will spend with us today and why I still even care. We’re up to a whopping hour from this morning (1/2 an hour in her room while I was showering and getting ready and 1/2 hour in the living room while we ate breakfast and hung out before leaving).

So, dear reader, whoever you are – and if there are any, what are your expectations of your SO spending time with you and/or your child? How much time is enough?

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Check out Phil’s blog and an opportunity to win an awesome camera. 🙂

Side Note: I know I haven’t written lately, but I’m still around.

Life Plan

Every moment has a value. Every day has it’s own quality. Every place has a different story. Every trip has a HISTORY. Combine everything you read above and I am sure that you have got only a thing in your mind. Every moment, day ,place and travel must be captured!

I have traveled a lot and I have to give you a suggestion. You should always carry a camera with you., from your daily walks, to the travel of your dreams. Phones nowdays are able to capture nice photos, but nothing compares the feeling and the quality of a real camera to your hands.

That’s what Pruveeo is dreaming. A better photography world, in which everyone can captures  friends, travels, family and the proudest moments through Pruveeo‘s photographic lenses. To me this is a real dream and I am willing to support them.

Camera Giveaway

So, today is your…

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Confusion

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(Image via npr.org)

I am confused. About a lot of things. I have been for a long time, but it may be time to make some decisions.

I have made some pro and con lists. I have talked to other people including my personal counselor and eating disorder counselor. (I even e-mailed my counselor today. Is that normal? It doesn’t really matter.)

I wish life wasn’t always so complicated. Is it too much to ask to be able to embrace happiness and joy? I guess it feels that way a lot even if I am able to see the positive things. I want to be able to let go of all the things that still hold me back. I am trying hard to do so.

To some, the decision seems so simple, so easy. It’s not. It’s emotional and it feels wrought with chaos no matter what I chose. I try to look at things objectively even, but I don’t know if that’s totally possible.

What do you do that helps you make difficult decisions?

Journal Assignment

My assignment from the eating disorder counselor is to somehow embrace positive things about myself. She suggested making a list. At times, it is difficult to do this because I am not necessarily in a happy place in my life right now. She said that I have made a lot of progress and need to acknowledge this. I guess I am partially afraid that if I do, I will have relapses anyway (presumably) so it will all be for naught.

At any rate, here is a list of some things I have accomplished or good things about me as assigned by my eating disorder counselor:

  • I have decreased the amount of binge eating episodes I have to between zero and two per week. (Previously, it was 5-7 per week).
  • I am mostly meeting the goals for my treatment which include not buying candy or sweets, limiting Diet Coke to three times daily, and eating protein with every meal. (I have new goals this week to incorporate after meeting with the nutritionist.)
  • I am resilient as fuck. I have survived sexual assaults, a controlling/abusive relationship, depression, anxiety, PTSD, cancer and cancer treatment, infertility, and many other things. Doing this without being a complete mess in my life at all times is an accomplishment I can acknowledge.
  • I try VERY hard to be a good mom. I am always reevaluating things I’m doing and trying to do better. I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but I try VERY hard.
  • I authentically care about my students and do my best to help them learn and meet their goals.
  • I help other people through volunteer work, friendship, etc.
  • I have two Master’s degrees. That was hard work.
  • I won a spelling bee in fifth grade. 🙂
  • I am always trying to grow, learn, and be a better me. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.

So, there you have it. I’m not sure making this list does much, but there are some things in black and white.

If anyone does actually read this, what are some things you are proud of in your life? How do you acknowledge these things? Let me know in the comments. ❤

Mish Mash

I think about writing here more often than I actually do. I’m not sure what to say. So, whatever. Here’s a list of things:

  • My daughter had so much fun at daycare that she didn’t want to leave. She had an extensive temper tantrum that included me hurting my back. I hurt it again last night and again this morning. I have been taking ibuprofen and using ice. I feel old. *sigh*
  • I have been doing well with the few things I’m working on for my eating disorder treatment. I have had a few slip-ups, but I guess that’s to be expected.
  • I miss my friend who died earlier this year. I still think about her every day. I miss my grandpa too. His birthday would have been last week and he would have turned 93.
  • I would like to get two more tattoos – one that has something to do with my daughter and the other as a memorial tattoo of some kind.
  • My husband drank four days out of seven this past week. 😦 This increases his sleeping. He says he’ll go to see the daycare when we pick up our daughter today. We’ll see.
  • I have been feeling overwhelmed a lot lately. Sometimes I think that people expect too much or ask too much of me. When I try to set limits, they are not always respected. I am not sure how to deal with this. Perhaps I will discuss it with my counselor on Friday. I haven’t been able to see him for a month!
  • I will see the nutritionist and eating disorder counselor tomorrow. It will be my first visit to the nutritionist. I’m not really looking forward to it, but understand why it’s necessary.
  • I would like to get rid of a lot of stuff that I own because I just have too much. It’s hard to make the time or have the energy to do so. However, doing so would make moving easier.
  • I have been off my cancer medicine for awhile now (maybe a couple of months), but I still sweat like a pig if I even move a little bit. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing. I thought it might get better after awhile, but I guess my hormones are still adjusting. The reminders of cancer seem to be often. Even if it’s a passing thought, I probably think about it most every day and it has been 7 years since I was diagnosed. I guess it doesn’t help that my friend and grandpa just died from cancer either. I guess maybe it will just be another “unresolved” thing in my life. I’m not sure if I will ever feel completely at peace with all of it.
  • I’m tired. A lot.

Daycare

Today is my daughter’s first day in daycare. Our babysitter quit abruptly and I had to find something quickly. I decided to look at daycares because, well, they can’t quit on you. Also, my daughter needs more socialization with other children.

I think she was excited to go play. They have water day (with a sprinkler type thing and swimsuits) in the summer. She was a little whiny when I tried to leave, but not too bad. I was told that Monday might be worse.

I have to admit that I miss her. I am used to always being around her, but I am trying to focus on the positive experiences she is having. I bet she’s having fun. I also admit that it’s nice to have a break and time to actually do my work that isn’t when I should be sleeping! *sigh*

Here’s to hoping the adjustment isn’t too difficult for either of us . . . ❤

I Don’t Want This

Three days in a row he has gone downstairs to hide . . . isolate . . . and drink. My parents came over to watch our child because I had an appointment while he sat down there drinking. On my birthday he said he couldn’t keep watching our child because he needed to go to bed, but instead, spent hour drinking downstairs. And then today, even though I told him it’s causing too many problems in our relationship, he did it again. Then, he gets up to pretend he will actually spend time with us in the evening, but he doesn’t. He just lies on the couch and goes back to sleep.

We are alone, she and I. I don’t have time to get my work done. She wants attention from her daddy and even talks to him when he’s sleeping or tries to wake him. It break my heart so much.

I stay up late grading again – falling asleep while I am trying to finish. I am always trying to take care of other people.

I wish he could see and feel what I do sometimes. I guess I should be grateful that I got to shower, right? 😦